The Apology Trap

Are women over-apologizing at work?
Or are we misunderstanding what those apologies actually mean?

"𝘚𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺, 𝘲𝘶𝘪𝘤𝘬 𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯."
"𝘚𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺, 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘐 𝘢𝘥𝘥 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨?"
"𝘐'𝘮 𝘴𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘢𝘴𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘣𝘶𝘵…"

For the last month, I've been doing some reconnaissance.
Paying attention to who apologizes at work. When they apologize and why.
In most cases, it was women doing the apologizing.

In three situations, I asked her in the moment “Why did you apologize?”
She had not missed a deadline. She didn’t make a mistake.
I even have a side wager running with one of them. Every "sorry" goes on a coffee tab.

Here's what research at Harvard found:
Women rate themselves lower in self-evaluations, and managers anchor their assessments around those ratings. A woman who apologizes chronically appears, on paper, to be exactly what her own apology suggested: less capable.

That's the trap.

But the deeper issue isn't the women themselves.
It's the workplace culture.
It rewards confidence and quietly penalizes relationship management. We label it “weakness.”

𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐢𝐬 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐈'𝐦 𝐛𝐮𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚 𝐜𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 “𝐀𝐮𝐝𝐚𝐜𝐢𝐭𝐲.”
Not arrogance.
Not disregard for others.

Au-da-city.

𝐏𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝𝐧'𝐭 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐚𝐩𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐢𝐳𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞.
Challenging something or asking a question.

So, I'm telling women to stop apologizing.
And.
𝐈'𝐦 𝐚𝐬𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐮𝐢𝐥𝐝 𝐜𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞𝐬 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐚𝐩𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐲 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐞.

Which side of that are you?